


White Haze

by meiqis



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M, Mildly Graphic Violence, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 14:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17225357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiqis/pseuds/meiqis
Summary: The moment of his dream shattering had been way less beautiful, had been not the least resemblant of glasses shattering and breaking and creating ethereal messes on the floor, it had been the moment he had realized that all his hard work, all his rigorous training, all his fighting for this miracle of a dream, and he didn’t want to think about it despite the memories coming back to him over and over again, they were pictures he could push aside when he was awake but once he was asleep...orThe one in which Zhengting feels like falling apart and Yanjun is the one to keep him together, sheltered from a world that is far from as peaceful as it seems





	White Haze

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zhuzhting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhuzhting/gifts).



> Abby: make it dystopian!  
> me: gotcha!  
> White Haze: a (mostly) harmless and innocent fic about Zhengjun living together
> 
> Actually, I owed this since around Halloween but who is a good writer? right, not me!  
> Now, I didn't indulge the dystopian part all that much because it's not much my style and I rather wanted to work on inner mechanisms but anyways - to all who read this, I already wish you the best for the new and upcoming year! much of fortune, luck and money and also, please, someone grant me this, more Zhengjun content! I'm suffering here!

It felt surreal, to think back to a city that had once been such a grand goal of his, like a far away dream, a dream he once had had, one he had worked for and realized, it was a dream not unlike a fogged up mirror, everything was like a pretty haze, a colorful blur, until it came down to wiping it clean, to get rid of the vapor clouding it all and then, like a beast catching its reflection for the first time, it was about realizing this mirror had been but covering up lies, keeping the truth away from him by making it a wonderful lie, like an ugly, decayed, abandoned village getting covered in fog, the kind that would sparkle and shimmer in the morning hours beneath the sun’s rising light, and then the only things visible would be wonderful hues of the rainbow and glittering morning dew, it was a magical illusion to be kept until a breeze brushed through and cleared it all, revealing the ugly beauty of the things that had once been, it shattered what the mind had made up and along with it, he had shattered this mirror, only to watch the shards of his dreams come crashing down with an ear shattering sound, the clinking and clanking, except it hadn’t been all that beautiful, now like a clear ringing of sound waves in the silence, it wasn’t the kind of sound that would remind him of a white spark in the darkness, a glint in the middle of black.  
The moment of his dream shattering had been way less beautiful, had been not the least resemblant of glasses shattering and breaking and creating ethereal messes on the floor, it had been the moment he had realized that all his hard work, all his rigorous training, all his fighting for this miracle of a dream, had been a cruel reality of malicious intent and cruelty, and he didn’t want to think about it despite the memories coming back to him over and over again, they were pictures he could push aside when he was awake but once he was asleep...  
A shiver ran down his spine, both with the exhaustion that came with keeping the retrospections buried in the depths of his mind and heart and the fact there were gentle kisses pressed to the back of his neck, warm lips easing themselves against the chilled skin of his body, not because their home was cold originally, no, but keeping the windows open in winter while standing in only a shirt that wasn’t his and his underwear in front of the huge glass front that allowed him to look down onto the city sprawled out beneath their hills, at such time not even the warm cup of black tea he was holding in his hands could aid in warming him up, nothing but a short sliver of warmth whenever he took a sip, but the body pressing against his back was very well aiding in warming him up again, soft and fuzzy sweatpants fabric rubbing against the back of his thighs while bare arms wrapped around his clothed middle, along with the weight of another head dropping onto his shoulder, lips never parting from his skin despite the starting conversation coming in a soft mutter, “Are you thinking about it again?”  
“I…” He didn’t actually know how to finish his sentence, it didn’t happen seldomly, that those wonderful impressions were following him into his dreams and as he woke up, the haze of his dreams faded and the clearness of the morning pursuing, he couldn’t help but overanalyze it all, think about the deeper meaning behind every little thing and moment, and it would tire him out mentally as he was standing in the cold of their office room and watching over the city down below, calming thanks to the clean whites of the walls and furniture, the stone tiles he had fallen in love with as they had bought the house feeling chilly beneath his bare soles with every further minute he kept the windows to the wall on his right open, thanks to the sound of falling snow and blowing breezes, of papers rustling with the outside weather. “I can’t help it…”  
There was silence following his words, in which maybe Yanjun was just busy following his line of thoughts, trying to relate how it all was connected to another and he could nearly hear the snap once all points were made into a perfected picture and realization came upon his older boyfriend, it was followed by a low sigh and, unlike the follow up conversation he had been expecting, there was only a hand reaching for his mug to put aside before he was already hurled up and thrown over a sturdy shoulder, digging into the relaxed planes of his abs and feeling nearly uncomfortable were it not for the shortness of the walk, merely until he was dropped down onto their shared bed that seemed so soothing and sterile with those perfectly white sheets, because most of their house was perfectly white, sterile, they didn’t keep a lot of mementos and even after three years of living together he wasn’t entirely sure whether that was because of their occupation or to keep his memories at bay within these clean surroundings, a silent apology of ripping him out of the perfect life he once had had to place him into a new surrounding again, except he hadn’t been ripped out of his life, it had been his decision to leave, to do better, something better, but it having been his decision didn’t mean it was automatically erasing the guilt he could still see in those dark eyes at times, usually at times like these, but just as much as his own hauntings from the past had left him behind, he had seen the guilt slowly reduce too.  
It took merely seconds for them to hurl up beneath the blankets, his own frame pressed against a sturdier front, arms tightly wrapped around him as he hid under the covers entirely, as if that would help him drown out the whole of the world surrounding them, until all that he could see and hear and feel and smell was Yanjun, the way golden skin pulled tight over ribs with every single breath, inhale and exhale again, the scent of sweat mixing with the cologne and perfume from the day before, a faint trace of it that was still like home to him regardless, and slowly the warmth of another body was warming up his little nest, slowly eradicating all that was not the love of his life until he felt all his agitation fade away and leave him again, fingers kneading his back and shoulders easing him further, until he felt pliant and soft and entirely at his lover’s mercy. And mercy he would need with the talk that was coming up finally.  
“Is it because of them?” The older asked gently, nothing but a soft whisper to not disturb their peace, and yet it was enough to break their little bubble, except that might also be faulted to the fact the covers were pulled off him until his head and shoulders were released, the way he had buried into a bare chest revealed to the space of their bedroom and their was a goodbye to this daze in form of lips pressing to the crown of his head in a reassuring manner. “Are you worrying about them again? Still?”  
“Again… Still… Where’s the difference?” He could only ask in return, fingers drawing dainty circles on that warm chest and it wasn’t until a while later, during which Yanjun just allowed him to reel in his own thoughts and secure his mind into an organized space again, something that had been way easier before all… that, but once he was ready, he signaled so by flattening his hand right above that heart so heavily beating for him, a slow but intense thrum he could perfectly feel through layers of muscles, flesh and bones. “They’ll be having a comeback soon… I wanted to- They shouldn’t-”  
On some days, he could easily talk about these matters, on other days, not unlike this one, he found himself unable to finish his sentences, his thoughts a cluttered mess and despite thinking he might be okay, he found himself falling into a chaos that could only be aided by arms wrapping tightly around him, a low hum that had no melody vibrating from that chest to his body until he was sure he was thrumming along, from the crown of his head down to his toes, from the surface of his skin to the marrow of his bones, and he didn’t feel much different to a bird with both its wings broken.  
Every nightmare had to come to an end, however, and his came with the soft vibrations of one of their phones, he didn’t even want to listen, but it was a good enough wake-up call for him to take a shaky breath and gently paw at that chest he was still buried into until he was released from the tight cage of arms and aided in sitting up, his own hand stopped from brushing through his hair when he felt fingers carding through gently, soothing him until the trembles he hadn’t even noticed to have begun had stopped, and then they were again, those gentle lips that kept pressing into his skin as if the kisses were glue and he was broken porcelain, and he probably was, had been, because there was so much glue it must have equaled to being stuck together again and glazed over several times.  
“Breakfast in bed?” It was a question he had seen coming but that still made him smile shyly and nod his head reluctantly, and as Yanjun got up from the bed, grabbing the phone that had rung before, he found himself holding the remote to the TV next, already fully aware certain channels would be blocked, just to keep him calm, steady and safe, to prevent him from drowning in memories again, as if that weren’t an inevitable occurrence.

There had been a time when he had been standing on the stage, on all kinds of stages, working hard to keep the dream he had already given his everything for, it was a dream that had been so wonderful, so… dream-like, and all too well he could still remember he had first entered this stage, a day he had been so nervous he had felt his fingers tremble with the nerves, back then he had truly admired his members, most of them younger than him and yet none had seemed to show the nerves he felt, no quivering digits, no weak knees, no cold sweat running down their backs, and it all had been forgotten once he had ascended the few steps would take him from the behinds to the elevated stage and then, at this time when he had been flashed at by bright lights, when he had heard the cheers from the surprisingly many fans they had already had with their debut alone, when he had started their introduction chant more on autopilot than conscious, it had been at such time that all the nervousness had been lifted from his shoulders and he had felt himself relax, feeling in his element, his best surroundings, as he took position and could only wait for the music to start, such time, he had felt on top of the world back then, just a few months ahead to his birthday and yet that moment had been the greatest present of them all.  
“...hyung? ...ge?” A voice echoed through the speaker of this utterly retro phone, but it was the kind he liked, with the receiver still shaped in a curve, cupping the side of his frame, with a cord spiraling and wrapped around his fingers, a habit he had picked up by time, and now it was cutting into his fingers because it was too tight, the first knuckles turned red already and he could only hiss silently as he freed them again, carefully moving them around to get circulation going again when that voice, once more, called for him. “Zhengting-ge?”  
“Y-yeah… I’m listening,” he whispered, rubbing his temples carefully with the upcoming headache, a telltale sign of how much these memories were affecting him, and it had been easier, at first, before they had taken to being more cautious, when he had needed to take the implant out and even their phones needed an encryption just to keep their location hidden, and it had also resulted in his favorite phone, thanks to its sturdy build, being the most secure one and so utterly eligible for the mechanisms that would keep their little sanctuary a secret from everyone who wasn’t with them. “I’m just… I’m sorry, Justin.”  
There was silence, because there always was silence, and while the moments of quietude Yanjun granted him were something he knew was for him, to ground himself and get that anchor overboard, to prevent himself from drowning like a broken ship and floating up like a balloon let loose alike, there was a silent nagging at the back of his mind that told him that the silence of the younger one wasn’t for him but the one on the other end of line, to try to get to understand, why this all had happened, why it had changed so much, and yet not changed at all, he was aware that his former member was trying to find out where it had gone wrong, what had gone wrong, why it had gone wrong, but without being able to see each other’s faces, it was just impossible to get his thoughts read by the overly active one who had always seemed to have a special ability for that.  
“Ge… Is there anything you want to tell me? You never… It’s been three years and we still don’t know why you left, it’s been only for one year that we are back in contact again and for you to… Why do you never see me? Why can’t I ever see you? Why did you never…” That same voice that had spoken just seconds before was now sighing heavily, and he could see it, could imagine it, the kind of expression Justin would be showing, the exhaustion on those gentle features, and despite knowing what his favorite younger brother was looking like currently, all he could see was that baby-faced teenager he had known so many years ago, those three years had been gone, those three years they had been together, and this time it was him to release a heavy sigh.  
“Justin… Just get out of there, I beg of you. Pack your things, close the door, and go. I’ll pick you up wherever you want to be but you just have to-”  
The beeping sounds of the line being cut off sounded like knives puncturing his ears, making him cry out in pain as he scrunched over, pressing his head between his knees and there was a distant thumping sound of the receiver coming crashing down onto the ground, a sight he could catch only from the corner of the eye, and for a moment he was thrown back to a few minutes of his childhood, of a glittering little snow globe, his treasure at that age, a souvenir from his grandmother, a lovely delicate woman, she had loved to bring them souvenirs from the places she got to visit after she had retired, wanting to fulfill her lifetime wish of getting to travel the worry, and it had been funded by her lovely son with his even lovelier company, a company he had been meant to inherit but his dreams, oh, his dear dreams, they had been so much bigger.  
Back then he had tried to pick up the remains of this pretty thing, had cut his little chubby fingers as he had taken hold of the shards, tiny and small, and he had been aware of the damage they could do but he had reached for them regardless, until so many had been buried in his skin, until he had finally picked them all up, with only the base of the globe and the little creation inside being left over, a tiny recreation of the Eye in London, a little red phone box in the front, it had been truly an adorable sight, and he had loved it, and even when it had been broken and shards still framing it at the bottom, he had kept it on his shelf to the day his mother had found out, and thrown it away, just like he wanted to throw so many things away right now, wanted to throw away the cleanly white pillows and sheets, he wanted to splatter paint across their perfectly white walls that weren’t stained by fat or other traces of cooking even in their kitchen, as if to prove just how meticulous Yanjun was in keeping everything clean and orderly, just so no stain of the past would be visible.  
It was something he should feel grateful for, but right this day he couldn’t, he wanted to ruin it, to wreck it, he wanted this to feel like a home and not a sterile hospital for his heart, and yet he knew that it would revert too soon, because the colors would be too hectic, too aggressive, too much for him to handle on those days he wasn’t in the right state of mind, just as he was today, too blinded by how much he missed it, wishing he had never known, not for his own sake, because he didn’t want to not know, because not knowing meant so much more, it meant giving up his freedom, his thinking, his love, Yanjun - so, no, he wasn’t wishing to not have known for his sake but for the others’, so he could finally stop worrying about them, questioning them, whether what they did was because they wanted to do it or because they had to do it, how long it would take for them to insist to meet him, know where he was hiding, there were so many things they might ask for and none of them he could explain.   
The pain at the back of his neck, it was sharp, a violent sting that felt like a needle piercing his brainstem, it mustn’t have been unlike that, back when the implant had been inserted, except back then he surely must have been on drugs, with anaesthesia that would keep the pain away, and placed just right, at a spot the smallest of scars wouldn’t be visible, or maybe they had just concealed it well enough, because he had never seen it on his members even, but the removal, that one had been way more prominent, he had seen it on Yanjun, the little white line at the base of the skull, hidden by lusciously soft hair, and he could only guess his was the same, a memento of what they had done, of what they had left behind, even if the steps taking them there had been just that different.  
That same pain was strong enough to keep him blinded from all other things, to the point he wasn’t certain whether it was actually there or but his own imagination, he only knew there was a soaring and blazing headache, his skull beaten flat by the heavy beating of a hammer, and he could only whimper and whine and wait for it to pass, and it so easily did, with arms engulfing him gently and pulling him close, kisses peppered along his neck and shoulder and throat, it was silence but it didn’t last long, not when his ear was pressed to the heat of another body and he was soon filled with a heartbeat that wasn’t his, listening to the gentle rhythm that was accompanied by the same steady humming again, and it seemed to be the most effective, perfectly working in drowning out all that was not Yanjun, until he wasn’t sure where one of them began and the other ended and he could only cling to the older for more, and always more.  
With ease he could feel his weight being lifted from the seat in front of their kitchen table, carried over to the couch where he was settled between sturdy legs, still dressed in proper pants, soft cotton and deep navy, contrasting their so clean home, so white and light and perfect, and yet it was this splotch of color that had him collapsing forward and hugging one of those limbs, clinging onto the darker shade as if it could anchor him, and in a sense it did, because after wanting to get rid of all this white and cleanliness, after wanting to splatter color across the walls and taint them, this change of color felt like a reassuring base, a cushion to lean on and so he did, sprawling himself across his love’s lap just so he could nuzzle his cheek into the dark shade, and he could only feel thankful, so, so thankful, for Yanjun to accept whatever tick he was developing always and always again, and if it meant treating a leg as pillow and stuffed toy alike, then that be it. 

The difference between summer and winter was too drastic, if it were summer, he’d say it had only just gotten dark but it was winter, it had been dark for hours and it shouldn’t surprise him that the noise outside was deafening, the roaring and screaming and celebrating, it should be distant thanks to the hill they were living on but it still seemed way too close, too loud, it was drowning out all his thoughts to the point he just wanted to cut off his ears, just like that painter, cut them off and live on, and even though he wasn’t sure that artist had cut them off to drown all the noises or whether it been just a lunatic move, and maybe it had been both, because anyone who’s willing to cut off their ear must be truly crazy, or so he thought.  
He hated it, hated the fact that Yanjun wasn’t around to calm him down despite knowing that New Year’s eve, even if it was by the Western calendar, was one of the worst days for him to have to bear with, hated that Yanjun wasn’t in time the way he had promised because, if he had known, he would’ve gone to look for him a while ago already, would have taken a cab because driving the car with these noises would mean that much higher a risk for him to get into an accident, and if it was just a cab, just a driver that might think he was a psychotic, all that would be needed to solve this problem was for him to give a pretty extra tip and then disappear.   
All the clamor and noise just kept growing in volume, he was certain it was not all that loud, he knew that, but it didn’t mean his mind wasn’t psyched up enough to make it so loud he was certain he might as well die from that alone, made him growl and groan as he buried his face in the pillows, covering his ears as he tried to overthrow all these sounds with his own, with his screaming and yelling and all that wasn’t enough to keep the memories from surfacing all over again, a jumbled mess, the fogged up mirror in their training room, the bright smiles of six people he treasured so much, the slate just ahead to a recording, and then it settled, on the one memory that had opened his eyes and shattered his dreams.  
Music. He had always thought of it as some sort of magic, it was able to make happy people happier and sad people feel at peace, it would create the perfect mood and the perfect day, it had always had such a unique charm, there was no one who would ever be able to refuse the magic of music and as a child, as he had seen singers on the stage, he had wanted to be just like that, spend his last bit of freedom in a field where he could make others happy, bring delight to their faces by just singing, dancing, making music, creating music, he just wanted to make people smile.  
It had taken so much, too much, had taken moving to another country, because their local music branch hadn’t been all that great at this whole idol thing, it had taken years of rigorous training so his already existing dance abilities could be perfected further, so his singing ability would be exactly that great, but with everything that was carefully built and created, it would take just a moment to shatter entirely, be it a snow globe that was falling from clumsy juvenile hands, be it the mirror he had thrashed at with his fists that very night, until his skin had been cut open, red smears against the broken pieces glued to a sturdy surface, and between these two events had been a concert, a moment he thought would be the most important one of his life, filling one of the biggest stadiums, all with their own hard work, with just the right means, and then, just like that, it had come crashing down.  
No more than one wrongly sung note, maybe also just a mishap with the electronics, he wasn’t certain of the exact cause, he just knew he had noticed the turmoil at the back of the hall, he had thought of it as something harmless, maybe some girls had tripped and pulled others down along, maybe others would have helped them, and then the realization had come that this wasn’t the truth, it had dawned upon him as he saw something similar happen closer to him, the unkept aggression in tender eyes, just before those people he had thought were his fans were going for each other’s throats in means no better than animals in the wild that were fighting for their lives, cruel, violent, merciless, and yet he hadn’t been able to move, could only observe the security teams, instead of trying to get it all under control getting to locking it all up, leaving the scene before it would escalate and barricading the doors from the outside, no better than gruesome owners setting their feral animals into a ring to have them fight to death.  
The sight before him, it had trapped him in a daze he had never before known, no better than an animal trapped, he hadn’t been able to look away even as the scene turned into a massacre he would have never thought was possible, but there, right in front of his eyes, it was taking place, and the pictures were burnt into his memories to never be forgotten, a constant reminder he had needed years to get rid of, these people he could see killing each other with their bare hands while he was dragged off the stage and to the safe behinds, still in a state of shocked even as he was brought to their room and the others all asked him what had happened.  
Back then, he had felt like the most horrible person to feel relief upon his kids not having been able to catch sight of this, surely having been evacuated in time, way unlike him, and it had taken until night it had all caught up, brought back to their dorm with the second night of their concert cancelled, and all he had been able to do was to slam his fists against any possible glassen surface, not wanting to see his own reflection, wanting to destroy the pictures of what he had seen by desperately thumping against the already broken shards, letting out cries of pain because all this violence and blood spilling he had seen, somehow he knew it had been his own fault, something he had done, and he could only sob with guilt until the others had found him and even then, as they were prodding for him to loosen up to treat his wounds, he couldn’t help but push them away because that pain, at least, had brought some relief to him for a short while.  
From there on, it had taken days for him to calm down, to put on a mask and get into a charade of not knowing anything, in the interviews asking about the act of terrorism having taken place at their concert he could only tell his condolences to all the families who had lost someone, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t see the reproachful gazes he was given at times, and while he knew he should tell someone, try to find out just what had happened, at all the same time he had been too scared to do just that. Until he had met Yanjun.  
Or maybe, met was the wrong word, he had already known the other back then, some sort of assistant to a director of a show, and yet, after the show had been filmed and all the others had headed back home, it had been him to stay behind in a coffee shop, a lone person drinking tea on their own, something he would have never been allowed to if not for the management having let loose on their reins after that incident in the bathroom, blaming it on too much stress and some odd version of claustrophobia or social phobia that would only increase if he was locked up in the dorm or practice rooms again, and surely no fans would have looked for him at such time, he would have been easily able to just take a cab home and act as if nothing had happened, repeat that cycle day by day.  
Indeed, no fans had been looking for him, instead he found himself sitting across that awfully handsome production assistant who had been so patient, surely had been sitting there for minutes but instead of pulling him out of his thoughts, that guy had just waited, patiently, softly, and when he had finally managed to look up, instead of a greeting, he was faced with a way different question - “You have seen it, haven’t you? What actually had happened at the stadium two weeks ago?”  
With such a surprising question thrown at him, he hadn’t realized at first, the fact that he hadn’t been talked to in Korean but in Chinese, his mother tongue, but the realization had been enough to cause him to cry with this sense of familiarity, even when it wasn’t the dialect he was used to from home, there was still one evident, and even despite knowing he was supposed to be embarrassed by his sudden crying and ugly sobbing, all he managed to do was nod his head carefully, because yes, he had seen, had seen all the aggression he would have never thought people to be capable of.  
“Zhengting… Go away with me,” the man had gently asked, and it was funny, because they hardly had known each other back then, he could remember a few short talks, about the show Yanjun had taken part in producing for his group, just a few sentences here and there that had been interrupted by lousy pick-up lines and his turning them down, wanting to think of this man as so utterly annoying and yet being smitten by the handsomeness, and despite the others teasing him about an oh so obvious crush, if anyone else had asked him such a thing, he would have flipped him off, but this man, he wanted to trust this one man, and even then he knew that if only he was told to, he would immediately pack all his things and leave to wherever he was taken. “What you’re doing… It will continue affecting the people listening to your music. We’re living in a time where anything could be used as a weapon and this government just chose to use your works for that reason…”  
A little voice in his head told him he should be offended by such suggestion, should feel shocked such a thing was even considered, but he had seen it, it wasn’t that far off, and it had made him sob even louder, ignoring the suspecting gazes of the girl behind the counter because he couldn’t see them no longer, not when he was pulled against another body and hugged tightly, strong arms replacing his own strength to keep himself together until he had calmed down just enough to ask, “There will be a repeat… Is that what you’re telling me?”  
This time, the silence that followed his words was enough of an answer to his question and as he clung to a shirt that wasn’t his, staining it with his tears and make-up and snot, he was slowly told of a plan to escape this all and given the proposal of coming along.

When he came to again, he was sitting between a pair of familiar legs, bare and glistening, the warmth of hot water surrounding him and despite seeing the mass of soap bubbles right in front of him, it took him a whole long time to realize just where he was, safely settled in the arms of his love who was humming softly and monotonously behind him, his body engulfed by the warmth up to his jaw, supported just enough to not drown because that would calm him best, and with some time he realized the sound of rain, a sound that startled him because it was supposed to be New Year’s eve, it was supposed to snow and be loud and not… rain…  
“You had a fallback, Zheng,” a voice behind him gently said and, right, that explained it, the ideas coming back of how he had just screamed into his pillows until he must have passed out with the exhaustion that had been suffering the memories, the flashes of red and screams of the past resurfacing again with such force he had to wrap his arms around his head and press his eyes close tight, wanting to shut it all out but the decisions were made for him, he couldn’t resist when his wrists were taken and instead of having them pressed against his ears, he could feel them be covered by water as he was shifted around, until he was sitting sideways in the tub that was uselessly big anyways, his head resting on Yanjun’s knee beneath the surface to keep it supported as, slowly, those yells of despair were washed away by the water making sounds so hazy.  
It didn’t take long for hands to cup his face and prod him to open his eyes, faced with those wonderfully black orbs that were looking down at him and he couldn’t hear it but he could see the way those plush lips moved, telling him to “Look only at me, frostbite, only at me,” and so he did, he looked only at that ridiculously handsome face, still the most beautiful even after these years spent together and people said love would be worn out by moving in together, or it would pale away with time, but it wasn’t the case for them, his love was still going strong, stronger than ever before, because whenever he was needing help, falling into misery, there were strong arms to catch him, there was so much selflessness in these actions of just wanting to calm him down, help him out, especially in the beginning, as he had been taken to an unfamiliar place, as he had woken up screaming and yelling and thrashing around every night, Yanjun had done no more than wait for the fever to pass and to then pull him close, finding all the right ways to calm him down as if keeping Zhengting as a whole was the only way to keep his own shatters stuck together. They needed each other, he needed someone to ground him, to tell him it was okay, he was okay, and Yanjun needed someone to love, someone to look out for after the only other person he could do that for had been taken from him.  
Maybe it wasn’t the healthiest base for a relationship, this utter need for each other, and at times he would have questioned whether this was right, this outright depending on someone else, but it were moments like these, when he was just coming down from a trip to his past, when he was just looking at the love of his life and taking it all in, those perfectly shaped eyes with their wonderfully arched double lid, those bright orbs that could be the clearest shade of hazel on a warm spring day and the deepest shade of black in the dim light of their bathroom as they were hurled together, those eyebrows he had made his very own occupation to always keep perfectly trimmed so they could give off this utterly soft and gentle charme just as well as they exuded this intimidating frowning thing, clear skin he wanted to litter with kisses and yet punch his opposite for because it was nearly glowing despite any further ingredient than basic skincare, and there were those invitingly plush lips, dry from the cold and bitten red by habit and he just wanted to feel them pressed against his own. It were moments like these, when he felt his heart swell with just taking in the beauty that was his boyfriend, when his mind seemed to be read and he felt his wishes come true by lips carefully meeting his, or at night, when he curled against another body and felt their heartbeats slowly coming to a matching rhythm, it were all these moments and more during which he felt that, even if there were different reasons for their relationship, he would love a man named Lin Yanjun just the same and more.

“...you see this part here? They’ve worked on it a lot, it’s way further developed than it was some months again, it’s on a whole different level to the one that was in Zhengting’s-”  
He didn’t even need to ask as to why Linkai had stopped talking and explaining this whole technological stuff to Yanjun and Ziyi, the latter had silenced the younger one by just pressing a palm to that busy mouth to silence him and only seconds later he could already feel a familiar warm palm press against his own, fingers locked and laced, making him feel a bit more secure in his steps as he looked at the two others who must have heard about his recent low or they wouldn’t be looking like an elephant wrapped into bubble wrap while inside a porcelain store.  
“Don’t stop talking because of me,” he muttered slowly, waving them off and, even though his love was definitely supposed to listen properly, he found the other trailing after him as he headed to the window set at the far end of the room, still within listening range and yet it felt like an entirely different world, on one hand, there was this whole amount of electronics in front of the two at his back, PC screens and microscopes and talking about microchips and data transfer and whatnot, and then there they were, on the other side, all about medics and sanitizers, the always clean white and sterile steel, it should bother him, that even at what they should consider a workplace he wasn’t able to get rid of this ridiculous environment, but it didn’t, on the opposite, it calmed him in a way, it helped him to think straight and keep his thoughts focused well, thinking straight, without getting deterred, and now he forced this very same principle upon his eyes staring at the girl in this so barren medical room, nothing but a bed, monitors, the girl supported onto her side so she wouldn’t damage the scar at her neck that seemed to be all the more prominent now that some of her hair had been shoven off.  
Linkai’s voice served as a well enough background to drown out most of his thoughts as he could do nothing more but to think back to the day he had been lying on this bed, or another one, the same kind of scar a blazing red against his skin, itching with the healing process, hurting awfully despite the heavy medication that had his sight blurred to the point it all had been in a haze, and yet he had thought to have seen one certain face so clearly, back then, too, his hand had been held tightly, squeezed at times, like a soft reassurance that his decision had been the right one, that, even though it had been inspired by selfishness and shameless greed to be with the other, it had been one for the good enough reasons, ones he could defend, ones he could stand up for, ones that would never force him into a defensive stance.  
“...they’ve gone even further now, didn’t they? This whole… their program… this…” He sighed, shaking his head as he tried to find the right word, he had heard the whole explanation before, about the chips and the technology behind, about how it worked, from the messages that were hidden within the sound waves of certain songs by certain groups by certain companies under the direct order and force of the government to the receivers, the chips implanted to their every brain, except no one realized they had been inserted already, with whatever magical method they had managed to do just that, they had managed to, but despite having known all that, this time, Yanjun’s team, hadn’t quite figured out yet what exactly had caused the malfunction at the time of their concert, he wasn’t sure Linkai, as the head of research, would still be able to at this point, and neither was he certain he would want to know at this point, simply because it wouldn’t change the outcome, it would merely shift the burden of guilt from his shoulders to another pair of, a shift he couldn’t permit just yet, not when they hadn’t yet accomplished their goal of ruining these plans.  
There wasn’t an immediate reply, not from his boyfriend, that was, instead it came from behind him, effective enough in having him turn around to look at the pair still around, and around it was, because Linkai was still a child at heart in the way he was spinning round and round in his chair, accompanying the soft sound of Ziyi’s gentle voice, “They’ve managed to reach a point I - we - would have never seen coming in just these three years. But…” The slightly younger exhaled heavily, pushing back lengthy strands of black hair before continuing, “I’ve been afraid of this. There had been reports of some scientists moving to Seoul, some of them that no one had expected to suddenly dismantle their whole life into to start anew on the other side of the planet, several of them experts on neurology or engineering. One of them had contacted me recently, along with Meiqi, luckily. You do remember her, right? Her childhood friend” - there was a pointing at the girl still resting in bed - “had become suspicious of it all, too, so she had her tagging along and we, Zhengzheng, managed to get this” - pointing at the extracted chip - “from her.”  
The things that hadn’t been said, he needed to make sense of them on his own, that those scientists had either been bribed, talked into, or threatened into working for a foreign government because their own scientists might not be proficient enough, the progress sped up thanks to the outside help, the silent bidding that maybe the technology had been developed to the right extent but the testing, along with the software and the music, hadn’t reached the sufficient stage yet, which also would give way to the assumption that this girl lying there, on this very bed, was just the same as he had once been.  
Whether the others stayed silent for his sake, to not unsettle him any further, or just because there was no more to say, wasn’t something he could tell about, he merely was aware of the way Yanjun wrapped his arms around him from behind, keeping him secured and steady, held together, and then, slowly, he reached another point of realization entirely, slowly uttered as he mumbled, “So you won’t need me anymore, right? Her informations are more up to date, she can tell you better about what is going on and- Does this mean I’m retiring now? Am I receiving my pension soon or… Or…”  
Some voice in his head questioned whether he shouldn’t feel satisfied now, content that he didn’t need to work anymore, that he’d get more distance to this past he so desperately had wished to get rid of, but more than that, he felt crushed, heartshaken by the fact that he might not be of any use to the others anymore, to Yanjun, because even despite it not being his boyfriend’s company, the one that independently researched into this whole matter that had started as a Korean project only to expand further around the planet, he felt the most committed to his lover, not to the founder, Xukun, nor to Ziyi or Linkai or any of the other members, no, he was still in this for his love and to repay all he thought he still owed to all those people that had died in front of his eyes so many years ago.  
“We will always need you, frostbite,” the voice behind him whispered softly into his ear, followed by kisses pressed to his neck, littering the little space between his turtleneck and jaw, and if it was causing the other two to feel uncomfortable, they didn’t show it, at least, looking uncaring towards this display of affection and love as if they were entirely aware of how the warmth born from tender lips was fighting the cold slowly spreading within him. “You know better than anyone how our new assets will feel, only you can understand what they’re going through, only you can guide them from now on. And even if there’s no one to look after, just your presence and will to push through is enough to encourage us. But I guess the monetary matter is one we can discuss regardless, wasn’t there a bag you’ve wanted recently?”  
At that, Linkai snorted and finally turned towards his screens again, even Ziyi looked somewhat affected by the joke that had Zhengting shuddering with amusement for a moment before turning around, tears getting kissed away from his cheeks before he was finally allowed to taste the faint trace of coconut of his own lip balm smeared against their match earlier, when he had been left alone at home only an hour or two ago, before he had been called in for exactly this job that was now interrupting their little moment of tenderness with soft beeping from one of the boxes, the tallest of them being the one to react first, stating the obvious, “She’s waking up now. Meiqi should be looking after her now but…” But she wasn’t around and he could feel the eyes resting on him like a heavy weight.  
Despite all his hesitance and unease, nervousness because of this new situation he had only experienced on the passive before, when he had woken up, thanks to the tradition as to the one bringing the people here also being the one to guide them through the first days, he could only try to sound certain of his choices as he pressed a last peck to Yanjun’s lips before muttering, “I’ll be right back.”  
And he was still trying to feign confidence as he walked to that other side of the room, longing for the warmth of another body already again, up to the point he hadn’t been willing to let go of a hand matching his so perfectly until it was impossible to keep simply their fingertips touching, through that door and to the other side of that bed, only to startle when recognizing the girl that was laying there, frozen in his space as his eyes frantically searched that familiar face, the high forehead usually covered by bangs, big eyes currently closed, stubby but straight nose tinted red from where the punch that had been bruising her cheek must have graced her, plush and rosy lips bruised on that same side and cut open, a change as drastic as the difference between long waves and shaved clean nape.  
Somewhere in a distance that seemed way further than the few steps from bed to door, he could see Yanjun looking mildly panicked while watching him, a lioness ready to defend her child, except they weren’t mother and newborn but two people united by fate and love, and the only reason his lover stopped, aside from Ziyi’s hand on a sturdy shoulder, was the soft murmur coming from the sheets in front of him, the dainty fingers grazing the back of his hand, “Zheng…ting…?”  
It felt like a shock, an electric current rushing through his body as he gazed down at the point of contact between them, and oddly enough it managed to undo his spell of freezing regardless, prompted him to sit down carefully to not weaken his legs any more while he reached to grab her hand carefully, yet reassuringly, trying his best to make the smile he had forced upon his face look warm and welcoming. “Yes, Cheng Xiao, Zhengting- I- I’m here, I’m here with you, I’ll take care of you…”  
Except he couldn’t, not when he merely managed to keep that smile on his face until the blonde angel of their base showed up some minutes later, prompting him to leave, except he didn’t manage to on his own, not when he was breaking down the moment the door fell close behind him, falling apart in Yanjun’s arm as he cried for the memories and people he couldn’t see again, thought he would never be able to see again.

It wasn’t until a few days later that he found himself in a situation not much different to one several days ago, when he had been on the phone with Justin, all the frustration and pain, it had been a polar opposite to this current one, with his fuzzy clad feet supported on his lover’s lap who was sipping some morning tea and reading the newspaper, breakfast spread on plates around the table for them to reach forward whenever they wanted to or craved for, his toes tugging into the firm substance of muscled thighs, friction of fabric against fabric, and with so much domestic energy it was making his heart expand into the unlimited amount of space, only further amplified as he listened to Justin once again, a twisted and questionable glee because there was worry laced to the younger’s voice, worry about Cheng Xiao, because they both had been knowing her for years, but it was him who knew where she was and the other who didn’t, and recently it seemed to have dawned upon the boy he couldn’t believe had grown into a man already, that the amount of idols disappearing, even though it was still small, and how many of those seemed to be of the same ethnicity as him, should be worrying.  
“Yeah… yes… I’ll send someone, ‘stin, I promise! ...yes… bye,” he muttered into the phone in response to all the words said by the younger that had only lead to the end of their call, and he slowly undid the cord spirals wrapped around his fingers as he put down the receiver on its holding again, meeting Yanjun’s questioning but not the least pressuring stare, biting his lower lip in faked worry just to be able to deter his boyfriend for long enough he could make the way he was suddenly jumping up and sauntering himself onto that cozy lap a surprise, a welcome surprise, if the arms wrapping around his waist were anything to go by, more so the nose nuzzling his revealed neck from the dress shirt that was hanging way too loosely off his shoulder, amplified by the unbuttoned collar that had driven his boyfriend mad since a while now, something he was acutely aware of.  
“‘as Justin again?” The older asked, breath hot against his chilled skin, something he should care more about but in their home, something he never really worried about, not when he could look for warmth from this welcoming embrace or from dozens of blankets and on those days his condition was worse, he couldn’t help but feel steadied by the cold, chill seeping into his bones making him aware he was in the present, he was standing right here, right then, not somewhere far off in a distant past he shouldn’t remember for his own sake. “‘t’d he say?”  
It was a wonder, truly, just how much Yanjun could be asleep despite having been up for an hour and more, maybe it was the cozy mood, the way they were settled at the kitchen table after having cooked together, without yet taking the shower that would announce the start of a proper day, because this was no proper day, weekend meant their time off, and if before Zhangjing had told him there had been no such thing for a young Yanjun, now all of their friends, his new social circle, did understand why they needed this time, why they had to retreat to their home at regular intervals, and if they hadn’t understood at first, they did understand after a few weeks or so after his arrival, when he had first broken down into a crumbled mess on the floor when hearing some screech from another room, a woman, startled by her co-worker, and he had ended up crying with the trauma that had caught up to him.  
They hadn’t told him for a longer time than that, actually, they hadn’t known, what kind of effect this chip they had taken from him had had exactly, because an implant that could control one’s mood, the level of peace and aggression, all the raw emotions, such thing would also serve in keeping them at bay, like guitar strings spun from the keys to the bridge, they were well secured, but they might be off tune, needed to be tuned, and such tuning had been born from their music, but without those fixtures from beginning to end, what more would he have been than a string of silver flying through the air, until Yanjun had caught him with secure hands and secured him all over again, and although it made sense, how easily he had been affected by all that many things at first, before he had managed to mostly settle in, it was still scaring regardless and up to this day, and New Year’s eve had just proven this all over again.  
“He wants to come here,” he said slowly, carefully, well aware of what it meant if someone wanted to escape this world, the risk it would carry, because no scientist was willing to let go of their guinea pig, even if their guinea pig was a whole nation and those idols standing on the stages like stars glowing in the night were merely the drug injected, and yet, every drop of that injection lost on someone else was a waste, a risk of giving away their secret formula into kleptic hands, and those kleptic hands were his, Yanjun’s, Ziyi’s, all the people’s who cared about ensuring freedom they had the right to without some megalomaniac lunatic wanting to control all those people, because control might as well be abuse, or be taken to abuse, and freedom could never do such thing. “After I disappeared and… and others to… He wonders about what all they’re hiding after staging my death when I’m still alive and that Xiaoxiao is also gone now… I think he’s actually worried about all this?”  
“If he grew up along you, frostbite, it’s no wonder he’s worried about all this,” the other gently said, fingers carding through his short hair, the cut what he heard some people describe as disastrous but he didn’t want to go back to his long bangs, not when he could only think of his times as idol when looking into the mirror, had done so until the day he had cut them off in a frenzy and kept them short ever since, only to feel reassured of his decision when he was still called pretty by the one it mattered hearing it from, that seeing more of that beautiful face was a sight to behold, the same one who now went on, “But because of your connection to him, we need to be careful. We don’t know whether they won’t use it against you so… It might take a bit longer to get him here than you’d like, we need to check the situation first, alright?”  
“Yes, yes, I know,” he muttered, not being able to feel like he was deflating a bit with that statement but there was still a chance, still a possibility of being able to have one of his kids back into his arms, and if it would take weeks or months, even if he wasn’t allowed to see the younger even when he would arrive at the base or after, until everything was settled, he’d carry that burden proudly because now that he was so close to reaching there, he realized just how much he had been craving it, like a starved that didn’t know any hunger until seeing all the food offered on a plate, poisoned or not, it would be too tempting to eat, and he was just as starved, grateful for Yanjun to slap his hands away from deadly apples now. “But you’re looking into it and that’s all that matters for now…”  
Like a heavy weight his face dropped down to that bare shoulder in front of him, sighing in relief and inhaling that scent he loved so much, and it only took a few seconds for him to notice the change in air, the way it suddenly seemed to be charged with electricity and ready to spark whoever moved first, it was arousing, enticing, exciting, it was so many things and yet none were important anymore when feeling hot air against his ear and the low murmur of words, “And I thought that now that we discussed this there would be a chance of you taking responsibility for what you caused, frostbite.”  
It was him who was sparked, he figured, when a violent shudder rippled down his spine and heat pooled in the low of his stomach, a gentle whimper and that was all that was needed for strong arms to wrap around him as he was lifted up, taken somewhere it would be warmer and more comfortable to spend a weekend in bed in a different way than was expected.

Spring was well around the corner, greens showing through where formerly it had been white, which ultimately lead to the city he was currently looking at, from a slightly different angle than usual, now that he wasn’t standing in front of the marvelous window that was part of the office room in their home but instead looking down from Yanjun’s office that, in some way, was also his, to bloom with all the many colors that now were becoming slowly visible, and, furthermore, he could see the black limousine that was was heading up the driveway to end up in front of the modern building that was the base, making it harder for him to spot the people that were exiting the car, leaving him to only spot the soft brown of Xukun’s hair from the top as the younger circled the car to open the door for their newest arrival, the one he wasn’t yet allowed to see.  
Yanjun’s words had proven to be right, they had taken longer than usual to recover the youngster of his former group, ultimately, no celebrity was retrieved quite as easily as he had been taken to his mother country back in the day because none of them had needed to observe the disaster that could be born from this weapon of governmental control, maybe they also hadn’t expected anyone to agree all that easily after hearing about it alone, without experiencing it, and even if there had been more of a handful now they had taken under the wing, he had been ascertained none of that could have happened without him taking the lead first.  
Back then, he had also questioned his boyfriend a lot, in these hours before the surgery to remove his implant, about why it had been him, whether he had been a target even without this… incident… or whether their relationship was anything that had happened merely because of what he had seen, so many questions he had asked as he had been stuck between the nervous agitation of this procedure and the lull of the anaesthetics slowly taking control of his body, but he hadn’t failed to remember each single word he had received in reply.  
“Your group was like the headliners of this project, frostbite, ever since our government had heard about it and put together our group to find out more about it, you were our target. It just…” There had been this tired look on his beloved handsome face, the kind of exasperation about knowing about the disaster the supposed act of terrorism had been and helplessness, because he hadn’t been able to avoid it nor been able to see it coming. “This concert kind of sped up the process. I wasn’t sure which of you to go for back then, you were a perfect team, neither of you would have just left the others behind but when I saw this broken look in your eyes… I kind of knew it had to be you.”  
That kind of answer had only lead to him asking more questions, more specifically, just how his secret had been uncovered so easily when no one else had been able to see it, when he had managed to hide it even from his own second family of teammates, from the management and therapists they all had been asked to visit at least once to make sure none of them had suffered any mental damage from that one night, and he could perfectly recall that bashful expression that had replaced such usual confident behavior as the older had answered, “Because I had my eyes on you… Compared to all the people I knew before who could be charmed with some sweet words and smiles, your flat out rejection to my advances had been utterly intriguing, frostbite. You wouldn’t even glance at me but at the same time you were doting so much on your group’s members. It was enchanting. So how could I possibly miss out on my crush suffering silently and secretly?”  
Those words had made his heart swell inside his chest despite the medication slowing down his heartbeat to one of relaxation, had exerted this little organ in wanting to thump a tad faster but not being able to because of his current state, and as his tongue had grown heavy and his eyes fallen close, all he had been able to do was wearily reach for a hand looking so golden next to his, feeling dainty digits wrap around his palm and squeezing it lightly, warm against his body that had been feeling colder by the minute and despite having fallen into this heavy sleep, he was certain he hadn’t been let go of for a whole while after still.  
After his surgery and the weeks it had taken him to recover some balance and steady standing in his life again, when he hadn’t broken down with every little scare he received and his hands had stopped trembling after just minutes of slightly heavier work, when the seasons had changed and a member from a different group than his had been taken to the base, he had dared to ask his lover why it was a Chinese again, because his group, too, they had all come from the mainland, made the headliner of such project, and now it had been one of the same ethnicity again, and it had driven a cold shiver down his spine when he had received the reply back then. “We’re not too sure about this either. When we got some intel on you, we had found out it was because of basic racism, they didn’t want to use their own countrymen because they didn’t know what all might go wrong as they would train you for this task, and I’m certain you don’t remember a whole lot of the experiments they put you through. Now that they’re a bit further down their planning, I think they just think of us foreigners as… more disposable… No one would question when you disappear, they can just say you’ve gone home but the fans would be more inquisitive if those people were supposedly still living in Korea, they also can filter information on you more easily if there’s no transfer of information by words. But I don’t think it will take long for them to take advantage of their own people. They are too greedy…”  
To think of this kid who had just entered their building, barely out of teenage, as something disposable, a nuisance easily taken care of in a foreign country, made his throat constrict with sickness, bile rising in the back of his throat, and dropping back down just as fast as his mug of tea was breaking into shards on the ground as it had slipped his hands, startled by the sudden touch to his shoulder that had caused his whole body to flinch with shock and nearly driven him into overdrive again, if not for fast enough recognizing the person standing behind him.  
Cheng Xiao had taken to leaving her hair open most of the times, surely to hide the short hair at her nape where it hadn’t quite grown out yet, falling down in soft waves he could easily imagine her styling everyday in her room in the dormitory, possibly her way of coping with everything that had been going on, that she had seen, because he had only gotten to know some while ago how they had managed to pull her over to their side, or rather, how Meiqi had managed to, because the lovely girl had managed to get into a group of backup dancers to accompany the idol groups on their stages, chosen by fate to be put just along her childhood friend and with her own chip deactivated thanks to Linkai’s invention, to make sure she wasn’t affected by the mechanisms on her own, and he had only been able to image just how much of a strain it must have been to always act so well around people who had, indeed, been under this certain influence.  
For the slightly younger of the two women it had taken weeks and months to not only get into the crew but also gain Cheng Xiao’s trust, talking about what they would do if they had to go back to China and becoming a pillar of trust in the storm of the industry, and then, when the idol had once overheard their manager talking to one of the scientists about the effects of the brainwaves, when she had ran to Meiqi because she hadn’t known who else to talk to, only then, had the so-called blonde angel of their base been able to talk the singer into coming back home with her, to explain all this and counter it.  
All that had taken a considerable longer time than the few weeks of Yanjun’s supposed internship and then another three or four until they had fled the country together after the concert incident, silently and secretly, under the cover of false names and IDs, they had taken a cruise from Seoul to Yantai and then boarded a plane to get closer to the base, picked up by a car to get to this city he was looking down at, to start a new life on the grounds of Xukun’s alleged company that was little more than a government project receiving a free pass to do whatever they wanted as long as it was with the aim of stopping this act of, to put it simple, governmental brainwashing.  
Except that maybe he shouldn’t have expected anything more from a world as theirs, so maybe they didn’t have any wars going on, no more conflicts solved by the use of weaponry and violence, but it all felt like an eternal winter, the relations between many countries were icy and based on no more than economical preferences, the power of armies and military had become more prominent in most countries and if before politicians had been needed to drive forth a change in the world, be it for the better or worse, now it was all in the hands of generals and officers, presidents or royals were but their marionettes, and maybe for that reason to become an idol, someone who shines so bright like a star at night, had seemed all the more appealing to him.  
“We won’t be able to talk to him for a while, right?” The younger woman now asked gently, softly, taking care of her actions after startling him so much already and it made him wonder whether she had already heard of all the hardships he had needed to go through after first coming here, of his mental instability that must have been ten or hundred times worse than hers because she hadn’t suffered a trauma before making that decision of her own. “Are you sure you can do this, Zhengting?”  
The smile he was showing must have looked forced because it didn’t do much to resolve her worries, not like it was an easy task anyways, he could only reach forth and gently brush down her hair as he studied her features for a moment, feeling glad since days because all the traces of abuse from when she had been caught packing her things before leaving had finally disappeared. “I’ll be okay, Xiaoxiao. I haven’t seen him for years, a few more weeks shouldn’t be that hard to go through.”  
“But now he’s-” Her words were interrupted as the door opened again, his boyfriend entering in what he would usually describe as the “work mode” jokingly, looking up in surprise when catching up on the sight of the two of them together but soon clouded with worry when seeing the pool of liquid and shards on the ground, it was a perfect cue for him to ask the girl to catch lunch already and reassuring her, once again, that she didn’t need to worry about him at all, much unlike his lover, apparently.  
“Are you okay?” The older asked, after putting the papers held in those golden hands down onto the desk, and from there it didn’t take long for Zhengting to be taken by the waist and pulled over to the couch, able to comfortably settle in strong arms there, held tight as if encouraged by fear of him breaking down again. “Did she say anything improper or-”  
Just as Chang Xiao had been interrupted earlier, he now did so to his boyfriend, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to those plush lips, a quite effective way in shushing the other down before he gave his answer, a tender loving smile that seemed to ease enough of Yanjun’s nerves for him to just bury his face against a heated back, fingers working on the buttons to be able to push that annoying dress shirt collar aside just so he could inhale the welcome scent of basil and limes deep into his lungs, a scent of home and comfort, of ease and love, one that got rid of his pondering about whether he actually would be able to suffer through not seeing Justin for another few weeks when they were just in reach of each other after all.

It was a rainy morning, water droplets drizzling down outside, hitting the wide planes of their viewing window he was set in front of, the grey clouds stretching out far in front of him, mist covering the city and engulfing the buildings in its loving embrace, and while the sight of it wasn’t the most welcoming, the sound, on the other hand, was quite calming, a steady white noise that welcomed him and steadied him as he carefully shifted his body weight to go from one position to the next, feeling the stretch in his muscles and the movement in his bones, and as he kept shifting the momentum of his balance every some seconds after perfecting his posture, he found himself finding some sort of inner peace or however some spiritual mentor would uselessly call it, to him, the only thing that mattered was that it worked, that it had helped steady his mind ever since coming here.  
At first, it hadn’t been his idea exactly, much rather it had been a suggestion from his boyfriend, pointing out how he had been missing the exercise, after years of desperately learning how to dance and do acrobatics, it most definitely hadn’t helped to have only been sitting on a lazy bum for a whole while, so there had been suggestion after suggestion, of picking up on dancing again or maybe starting to play basketball with Ziyi, the latter having mostly been unattractive because he hadn’t been all that eager to play outside all the time, even in rain and snowfall, he didn’t have that kind of motivation, unlike a few others. For those reasons it had taken quite a while for him to settle, before he had finally decided upon Yoga and Pilates and whatever the mixture between these two should be called, to have felt his muscles stretched again for the first time, back then, had been sweet relief, and ever since it had become part of his routine, starting from the first few times that had meant his body to ache all over up to this day, when it was an essential part to his morning ritual and aiding in keeping him floating above the surface.  
Moment after moment, posture after posture, and minute after minute, until he felt the strain from the exercises that kept increasing in difficulty with the passing months, breaking down after his final position, skin sticky with sweat as he inhaled the plasticky scent of his mat that didn’t seem to have changed even after all this time, until it was replaced by the heavenly scent of freshly brewed coffee, smell welcoming him like a hand stretched out for him to take, guide him back into the real world and the noises of breakfast being prepared in the kitchen, a task that was usually his for Yanjun tended to sleep in for a longer time than him, even if they were supposed to be at work, or one of them was, working for an independent sort of spy network that might as well arouse the anger of several nations had to have its perks somewhere.  
But despite the alluring scent that had him craving to be out of a cartoon, where the clouds of sweet scent would be enough to lift him up into the air and have him floating into the kitchen, he needed some more time until he felt ready to get up and walk over, dropping down onto his chair despite his skin still feeling sticky and probably needing a shower, the prospect of food was way more alluring and somewhere in his mind he took note of his snotty and red-eyed crying face was probably way worse than seeing this state of glistening sweat and white fabric clinging to his frame, his upper body, because they had always worked well in creating a complete set of pajamas together, one clad in underwear and a cozy shirt, the other in nothing but sweats after sleeping bare.   
There was no helping the smile blooming on his face as a frothy cup of coffee was placed in front of him, vanilla dust on top of the milk foam forming a heart and the sight alone was already warming his, making him feel overly zealous to confess his love to about anyone who had handed it to him, fortunately his boyfriend whom he was currently looking up to with this stupid grin he just knew he had on his face because there was this certain sparkle in honey hues, looking brighter in the morning hours, matching the golden fluid currently dripped onto his pancakes before finished with whipped cream and placed in front of him.  
The warmth of the treat was a striking contrast to the still grey weather outside, two worlds colliding with merely some white walls parting them, but as he filled his mouth with the softness of pancakes and stickiness of honey and whipped cream, he found himself not caring anymore, no more mourning the loss of pretty weather and having to wander the dreary dullness outside, instead finding himself talking with his stuffed oral cavern hidden behind his raised hand as he asked, “Not that I do not appreciate this but why am I getting the Prissy Princess Treatment today?”  
“You want to name this the Prissy Princess Treatment? Are you sure about this, honeybite?” The older asked with amusement evident in his voice, dishing out some more delectations and breaking into a proper grin when Zhengting could only nod his head in amusement before pointing out the new nickname. “Well, you’re eating honey right now, not frost, princess. Maybe we should go change it by seasons? Do you like that?”  
“Like anything you give me,” he said with a little smile, although, admittedly, he might have been sweetened into such agreement thanks to the food but as long as he was called nicknames with love, he wouldn’t mind exactly what they were consistent of. “But that doesn’t explain why you’re spoiling me yet, honeyfeed.”  
At that nickname, the other snorted but they were well through their breakfast already, deeply sated and satisfied and happy little smiles on their lips, feet engaging in a little war of toes beneath the table, a strenuous task that would have lead to their limbs interlacing if it were their hands, but it wasn’t, so he could only feel their big toes locking together in some disgusting adorable way that seemed so weirdly fit of their sugary morning. “Because Kunkun called earlier.” A questioning gaze. “About Justin.” A worried gaze. “You can see him.” And Zhengting was just about to jump the table to get right into the other’s arms, as if to make such decision had been Yanjun’s merit and not their boss’, stopped just in time by outstretched hands for his mind must have been read again.  
“But,” his lover stopped him in his tracks as he was just about to get up to round the table, aim of jumping his boyfriend still the same, and just one word was enough to have a shudder of fear running down his spine, worry making him bite his lip as he gazed across the furniture, “I have one more update. My mom had called already some days before about… I mean, marriage has been legally permitted now and my nationality is still set there so…”  
Slowly he blinked, trying to filter through the words until they had settled into a whole and made sense, only for him to snort at them as he threw his napkin onto the table plate, missing his pancakes and all other food intentionally because no way would he be missing out on these even now, and there was a bit of sadistic satisfaction laced within his emotions as he could watch Yanjun slowly feel unsettled instead of him now, tables turned and all that jazz. “No,” he straight out denied, after some more moments of leaving the older out in the cold, metaphorically speaking, because their apartment was cozily warm for a change, “Not without a proper proposal and you going down on your knees and choosing a befitting ring for me. Then I’ll change my answer. And you’ll need to get the papers ready, last time I checked I was filed dead by my latest government.”  
He could basically see the relief settling over the other, bare shoulders dropping again from their tense position and making him smile softly as he took it in, just along with another bite of pancake from his third refill by now, tasting the same perfect way still, because, he had to admit, at least those were better when prepared by his semi-fiance instead of him.  
“Can all be arranged, honeybite,” the older assured him, smug grin after having found some footing again and it filled his heart with warmth, to know that their relationship would take another step towards a shared future and that one should be rather safe, because the worst was some lunatic government fighting for world dominance and he was well aware there were a few of those out there, the system they tried to undermine not the only one, but he figured, as long as they were settled on this mountain and looking down at a beautiful city, engulfed by snow, fog, rainfall or blooming greens, while holding a steaming cup of tea or coffee or whatever, as long as he had someone to steady him while he tried to show all dedication in return, as long as they truly believed into each other and their relationship, nothing could go wrong.  
There were some moments of silence, only filled with the white noise of the rain and their grandfather’s clock ticking, which he was quite sure had actually belonged to Ziyi’s grandfather or something, endured with another little wrestling match of their toes and swallowing down pancakes and coffee and cut fruits of several kinds, only to be eventually disturbed again when he spoke up once more, “So… When am I going to see Justin exactly?”  
“Hm?” For a moment, he was met with a gaze of confusion before it lead to sparkling amusement, eyes crinkling slightly and sweet dimples showing and he most definitely blamed the too high sugar intake for wanting to lick some whipped cream out of them all of a sudden. “I arranged a shared lunch for you. You’ll have the office at your disposal and I’ll go eat with Ziyi or bother Zhangjing for a while or something. We’ll see. Though, I actually had wondered about one thing,” Yanjun started, encouraged to continue only when seeing his raised eyebrow and asking, “Why Justin? I honestly didn’t expect your youngest member to follow your footsteps first…”  
“Former member,” he corrected, past the fork that was still stuck between his teeth as he suckled on it for a little, trying to figure out how to explain something that seemed just so natural to him, he had always expected to see Minghao coming back into his arms again. “He’s the smartest… Many just see him as a hyped kid but he really has the brains, he impressed even me at times. And we’ve been together the longest, actually… That they said I died in that car accident, it must have hit him heavy. When I contacted him-” He interrupted himself for a second, chewing on his lower lip, eyes staring into the faded heart of his frothed and halfway empty coffee mug. “When I called him for the first time after so long, I knew it was cruel. He thought I was dead but suddenly I wasn’t dead anymore and he probably needed some time to get used to it… I also had to confess a lot of secrets to not have him hang up on me, smart kid,” he snorted, rolling his eyes despite the affection he could still feel warm in his chest, “But when even Xiaoxiao came here… I knew I had him when he asked me whether I know where she is instead of mourning her death immediately and the rest… Well, that’s your area of expertise.”  
This time around the silence seemed to weigh a bit heavier, mostly because of Yanjun’s look of consideration, as if to weigh off one argument to another and trying to figure out the likeliest possibility and how it all had come together, but whatever such result must have been, it didn’t seem relevant enough to burden the mood of their breakfast any longer, thrown away and swallowed down with a last bite of pancake to clean the plates and it wasn’t until they were standing around the sink, washing the dishes and cutlery together, that their conversation seemed to pick up again, only to be closed down with a few words. “I don’t think I’m in the right place to judge who should have come first or not. All that matters is that you are happy and that you can be proud of your kids.”  
And with a little kiss to his temple, he considered their conversation sealed and saved and to not be brought up until the next time, only to find the atmosphere ruined by another sort of proposal, “Coincidentally though, you need a shower, and I need a shower, and we only have one shower cabin. I also heard it’s environmental friendly to save on water by showering together.”  
“Why, you little-” Zhengting cursed, splashing some water at the bare chest of his lover, well effective in starting a little water fight around the sink and as he was still laughing and flicking soapy water off his hands, he couldn’t help but find himself wishing for this to continue, through good days or bad, he just wanted to be with the one he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats to all who managed to survive this! Did I do well? I'm not sure haha  
> Once again, pre-happy new year! we'll see each other next year on another/a new work then!
> 
> Without further ado - [twitter](https://twitter.com/zhengjunist) and [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


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